Today I proudly feature a guest blog.
One of the things I miss most about Scotland is the dry wit.
This post has made me laugh so hard I spit my morning tea all over my laptop but it also made me homesick.
I hope you enjoy it.
Good news. The nine year old has forgotten about the Hari Krishna outfit for Halloween and wants to dress up as a zombie. You see you can rely on the good old Scottish mentality, none of your mermaid, Disney characters or incredibly complicated sewing
manoeuvres - just an old torn shirt, lots of gel in hair and fake blood smeared around the old "boat race" (face.)
The four year old has forgotten his Tim Gunn phase too - he wants to dress
up as a Mummy - so let's just raid the first aid box.
Me, well using my initiative as per usual, I have based my whole
'look' around the piece of gray netting that came wrapped round a bunch of
flowers. It is so big it fits right over my head and shoulders - so I
figure I am going to go as a corpse. 'Dead' easy - just take a look at me
at 6am on a Monday morning...
I am pretty organized actually - pumpkins just waiting to be carved,
scary objet d'art ready to hang, various treats bought. Did I tell
you last year I wasn't in, I think we were at my Mum's and some little
sh*t stole my doorbell? Little b*st*rds (that's me resorting to my true
colours of course!)
We're so different.
For example - your blog is all very sensible and all about feeling
guilty about stuff and how you treasure moments etc .....
Last night I went to see my Nana in the nursing home (she's okay she just never says a word.) then we went back to my Aunt's house to have our tea.
The four year old's face was caked in mess, so she went to get a wipe to clean
it. I had to stop her when I realized she was scrubbing away at his face
with a 'Power Force' bathroom/kitchen wipe infused with bleach.
I thought the nine year olds was going to explode with
laughter. I had to play it all down of course. Inside I'm thinking
"Jeez, what a total eejit she really is."
Needless to say he has woken up today with conjuctivitis (pink eye.)
She's probably blinded him.
Then I told her about a Christmas lunch work has planned to a new restaurant in town
"Oh right," she says "I've heard it's terrible".
And then of course there was the day The Ex dropped off the kids and said
"Oh in case you're wondering why I'm wearing shorts," (I wasn't) "I'm away
to play tennis".
Next day he pitches up moaning about how sore his arms are and how he can
hardly lift them.
"Right," I say with my face deadpan "That'll be the tennis then".
"OH NO," he replies "it's not that. I don't know what it is, but it's not that, I think I'm getting the flu".
Well, you can picture my face - kind of a cross between incredulous and total disdain.
So you see, if I wrote a guest blog, it wouldn't be a sensible
moving account of my life and the people in it whom I treasure. It would
be all about how I spend every waking hour having to put up with
ex-partners and their miserable families and my stupid relatives and the
idiots at my work and all the trivialities that are driving me to
But at least I've kept my sense of humour.....