Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Green Eyed Monster.
A friend and I were commiserating over the whole parenting thing yesterday.
How endless it seems, how much of ourselves we give, how tired and cranky we often feel.
Of course, we love our babies fiercely and we wouldn't change our lives for anything.
I'll speak for myself now. I am jealous of my friends with 'single' lives. I'm on Facebook and there I read about friends taking wonderful trips to far away and exotic places. Some people have lazy weekends. Imagine! They sleep late, eat inappropriately and watch movies in the afternoon whilst drinking beer. They lounge by the pool or at the beach. They do not have to be buried up to their necks in sand or watch Barney.
They don't get up at 6am and spend their whole day serving someone else with endless needs. They don't have to negotiate to get 15 minutes to have an uninterrupted shower. They get to pee alone.
I miss it. I miss doing whatever I want, when I want to.
I miss booking flights to somewhere and just going. No hotel reservations, no specific plans - just possibilities. I miss traveling without a bag full of snacks, crayons and toys. I miss strolling off a plane with only carry on bags.
I would like to get up in the morning and remain whole for a day. Instead of splitting myself into pieces for each child and the husband.
I don't want my old life back. I'm aware the grass is always greener. I remember the longing I felt when I looked at people with their babies. I remember feeling bored because I didn't have purpose or enough to do. I know when I was struggling with my fertility, I felt those people playing with their babies were being brazen and insensitive with theirs. I know that some of my friends would trade their endless freedom for six kids if they could.
I just want some balance.
This morning while I was in the bathroom the six year old came in. She helpfully brought the baby with her.
"Mama can you watch my show?"
"Not right now honey, I'm busy."
"Awww - you never watch my shows."
"That's not true swaetpea, yesterday I watched your ballet show, your banging blocks show, your piano show and your skipping show."
"But that was yesterday..."
All that while I try to pee.