Listen To Your Mother.

My favorite event at BlogHer this year was the LTYM lounge. People reading their stories - giving their blog posts life.
I'm assuming, since you show up here, you like that too. Listening to my stories, hearing my words.
Well now it's your turn. Everyone has a mother story - whether you have one, are one, miss one, want to be one - there's a story to be told. It can be funny, sad revealing, surprising - anything.

LTYM is happening across the United States this year. If auditioning is something you think you will never do - read this.
I did read at BlogHer and it was exhilarating. I know that I am no shrinking violet but I think there is something about sharing your thoughts, stories, words with an eager audience that is magical.

If auditioning is something you KNOW you will never do - plan to be in the audience. It's the perfect Mother's Day outing.
Bring your mothers, sisters, girlfriends. Open the eyes of your husbands and brothers.

I am going to audition for the San Francisco show - I'd love to see you there.
Audition applications are due soon. Go on - surprise yourself - do it!

If You're Happy And You Know It.....

My friend and I were discussing parenthood. She had read an article where the writer had dared to say that becoming a parent doesn't make you happier. In fact, statistically, it makes you less happy. I think that author must now live in a metal reinforced castle and only go out under armed guard. Them's is fighting words.

Of course it's true, my friend and I agreed. I am not happier overall. If I am to compare my life before kids to now - there's no competition. I am more tired, less fit, less healthy. I have considerably less disposable income. I spend a fraction of any spare money I do have on me. My hair, eyebrows, waistline and wardrobe are a shadow of their former selves. My marriage is weaker (but not weak.) I read less, know less, travel less (big sigh.) I am grumpy, frustrated and hurt more often - as in, all three most days. I am much older. While I know that I can't pin the chronological advancement on my girls. I am just older than I think I would be sans children. Note the lack of wiser in that sentence.

"What were we thinking?!" we commiserated.

This friend and I met in our twenties. We lived the high life (at least in our minds.) We had so much fun. We stayed out - past 10pm - gasp! We were, for the most part, carefree. We hung out for lazy hours and hours. We laughed until tears ran down our face on a regular basis. Tears are almost certainly caused by a different emotion these days. So, do I wish I had never done it? If I could would I choose a different path? Am I full of regret?

No, I'm not. Of course - I have my grass is greener moments. I daydream. I miss my old life. I miss old me but as my friend pointed out this isn't about general happiness. Becoming a parent is about moments. Golden moments is one of my favorite phrases. I just hadn't stopped to focus on the deep truth behind those words. I had noticed the fleeting nature of golden moments. How they are often ended by tears (mine embarrassingly more often than the kids.) I just hadn't fully appreciated how pivotal they are.

Parenting is about the exquisite highs. Like the first bite of a delicious meal, or the tantalizing sip of a perfect cocktail. The rest of the food is never as good as that first bite but we eat it anyway. The first mouthful of a cold beer cannot be replicated anywhere within that bottle but we will likely drink it all the way down. Parenting is a steamy hot shower on your sticky, sweaty skin. A swim in a warm ocean. A cosy blanket, a roaring fire, a kiss.

Choosing parenthood may not make us happier overall, there are definitely some desperate lows involved, but we walk the path because the highs are intoxicating. They leave us begging for more. They are incomparable. They are our children.

Buttoned Up.

Are we taking ourselves too seriously? Is our desire to parent well taking over our entire lives? I'm using 'we' because I'm really hoping it's not just me. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what I say and do in front of the kids. I think it's important. I want to model for them what I want to see from them. For example, they don't need to know that I got so frustrated with the phone company today that I swore and threw things. I don't want them to swear or throw things. I don't want them to get in trouble at school for repeating something they heard at home that was not school friendly.

It's such a challenge - I have hormones, Oh dear god do I have hormones. It's hard to be a perfect parent when the estrogen fairy is dancing in your system and making you crazy. I want them to have childhood innocence for as long as is possible and let me tell you in our current culture holding on to that past age 3 requires significant effort- so I feel I have to work even harder.

My problem is it's not really me. I am irreverent and sarcastic. I like a well used swear word. The Husband and I come from the land of quick wit, self deprecation and fart jokes. We don't really care too much about etiquette and rules. At the same time I believe in respecting the law, your elders and the system (for the most part.) I also think sarcasm out of the mouth of an eight year old sounds ugly. Where's the balance?

How do I stay me but give my kids a solid moral/social grounding? I think I'm supposed to be both - me in my adult time, Mom when I'm with the girls. But I'm home with the girls. I'm Mom a very large part of the day - about 14 hours. Naughty Joy gets antsy. Sarcasm sits on the tip of my tongue 24/7. I have things to say about pop culture (in all of it's car crash like awfulness.) That side of me is getting very bored of being held in. Do I need to go back to work just so I can let me loose a few hours every day? Maybe I should do stand up. I bet lots of people would pay good money to go and listen to a potty mouthed mom telling hilarious stories involving fish sticks, farts and Kim Kardashian.

Seriously though, it's a quandary. I'm a little afraid that when they reach 18 and I feel free to let loose around them, my kids won't recognize me. Who is this woman with the razor sharp tongue that can burp the alphabet? Will they be looking for their sweet, buttoned up mommy? (For those of you who know me IRL I know that you are now rolling on the floor at the thought of me as sweet and buttoned up but let me believe my kids see me that way - at least some of the time.)
As always the answer lies in the middle ground, my good friend Mosey would say "everything in moderation."

How do you swear and fart in moderation?

When Art Attacks.

So here's a thing. The children's art. It's an instant source of delight and pride. An easy way to monitor their developing skills.
It's cute, funny, intriguing - occasionally worrying. I can still remember my delight at the 8 year old's first turkey hand print picture at Thanksgiving. Who can forget when they first draw something that actually looks like something. A face with eyes and a nose in close to the right places. A rainbow.

So what's the thing? What the hell do you do with it all? Let me be clear - that is somewhat of a rhetorical question. If you are the kind of parent who has your kid's art filed into a folder or made into books - feel free to step away from the comment box. We are happy for you, really we are but I'm looking for advise here in the real world.

I keep it all - in a big pile. In my mind I plan that I will reduce the pile in the future. I have tried. I tried with the 8 year old helping me (begin pointing and laughing now.) I thought she would be able to help me choose her favorites but as was likely predictable, we reduced the pile by one scrawny piece of paper.

Next, I undertook the project when she was at school. I made a reasonable throwaway pile. I filled an envelope to send to the Grandparents. Progress. Then I tried to throw out the throwaway pile. Between the table and the trash can I rescued several drawings. Sigh. We have used some for wrapping paper and made cards out of some pieces - I can recycle.
How can I throw it out?? It's her art. Her first gnome or squirrel. It's priceless.
Time helps. I can now throw out 'some' of her first art - eight years down the road. As you may imagine though, eight years of art is a pretty big pile - I may soon be eligible for an episode of Hoarders.

You may remember that I have two children. What about the three year old's art? Well that's easy - she's the second kid.
Don't judge me - it's just easier to be pragmatic and discerning with kid number two. It's the 'firsts' of everything that are the hang up.
Maybe I'll just get a storage unit?

Them Other Parents Don't Know How To Act.

I have come to the conclusion that becoming parents makes otherwise normal, intelligent and nice people - completely crazy.
While taking my little holiday sabbatical I did a lot of parent watching. Really, we are a bunch of loons.
On a casual look it seems we are either ignoring our children in the name of needing some 'me' time or flying our over- opinionated helicopters so close over their heads we could give buzz cuts. I think we might be raising a very confused generation.

We were at the ice rink and one little boy was skating the wrong way round. The attendant kept asking his parents (and him) to go with the flow, they said:
"He's a free spirit - we want to honor that."
Well you go right ahead and put your 'free spirits' needs in front of the safety of 75 other people - completely reasonable. IF YOU"RE A LOON.

I watched one little girl kick her sister in the shins with her ice skate because 'it was funny' and her Dad solved it by giving her a $20 to go and buy candy. Mister, are you mad? Now I know sleep deprivation and the 24/7 nature of parenting can make the most rational parent do crazy things but what I wondered was this, would you respond this way in any other part of your life? Imagine you're a manager and two co-workers can't get along. I find it hard to believe you'd offer one of them a cash bonus. If you pulled out of your driveway and found someone driving in the wrong direction - you'd probably call 911. You certainly wouldn't applaud their individuality.

What happens to us with children? Sure - they're cute and we love them fiercely but what snaps in our otherwise sensible and rational brains that leads us into saying things that we can't, even for a minute, believe are tripping out out of very own mouths? Why do we let them say and do things to us that were it an adult would lead us to tip our drinks on their obnoxious heads? I know they're learning. I know we need to encourage them to be independently minded but did we confuse that with letting them do whatever they want?
So obviously I am making sweeping generalizations. I am basing my comments on snapshot views of parenting but I do feel we need to bring sensible back. (When it's a hit Justin - I'll be happy with 20%.)

That's my goal for 2012. Let's reactionary, more sensible. I'll let you know how I do.

New Years Resolution

Mine was to blog less.
Just KIDDING!
I will be back here soon. Maybe tomorrow even.
Thanks for your patience.
xo