Thursday, July 28, 2011
S*#@&ing For Scotland.
So I promised you a swearing parrot and I like to keep my promises.
Scotland - land of ancient castles and deep, inky black lochs (with monsters).
A land steeped in history and tradition (and bagpipes.)
Scotland where the men wear skirts and dance the Gay Gordons with pride and a manliness that rivals Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
I am very proud of my homeland. It is stunningly beautiful. The people are incomparable. Funny, kind and generous.
We do however tend to swear like sailors.
Now obviously that's a generalization.
There probably is some sweet old lady in the Outer Hebrides that has never uttered a swear word.
The rest of us - Sweary Marys.
So, it should come as no surprise that when we visited the zoo - a parrot swore at us.
In keeping with the stereotype he even added comic timing.
As I was reading a little placard on the cage that said:
"Our parrots are rescued, we apologize if their language is offensive to some."
The parrot screeched "BOLLOCKS!"
If you need to Google that - go right ahead and come back.
The eight year old was all over it.
"What is bollocks mummy?"
"What ARE bollocks darling."
"OK - what ARE bollocks?"
"Well, it's just a word we don't use."
"I won't use it - what does it mean?"
As I have mentioned my childhood involved modesty, I am still discovering the real names for some of my own body parts.
So in true parenting style - I have gone the other way. I am determined that all body parts will be accurately named and located by my children before they turn ten.
As I begin my explanation to the eight year old we wander over to the pigpen. There lying on the ground is an enormous boar pig. Perfect. There sticking out between his legs are the perfect explanation.
"Those are bollocks but is a slang word, not a polite word, we don't use it."
She skips on.
I am filled with pride. I handled that so well.
Then I come around the fence and see the teats.
"What are those mom?"
My eight year old now knows what the word hermaphrodite means and she also believes that there is a hermaphrodite pig in a zoo in Scotland.