Thursday, July 28, 2011

S*#@&ing For Scotland.

So I promised you a swearing parrot and I like to keep my promises.

Scotland - land of ancient castles and deep, inky black lochs (with monsters).
A land steeped in history and tradition (and bagpipes.)
Scotland where the men wear skirts and dance the Gay Gordons with pride and a manliness that rivals Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

I am very proud of my homeland. It is stunningly beautiful. The people are incomparable. Funny, kind and generous.
We do however tend to swear like sailors.
Now obviously that's a generalization.
There probably is some sweet old lady in the Outer Hebrides that has never uttered a swear word.
The rest of us - Sweary Marys.

So, it should come as no surprise that when we visited the zoo - a parrot swore at us.
In keeping with the stereotype he even added comic timing.
As I was reading a little placard on the cage that said:

"Our parrots are rescued, we apologize if their language is offensive to some."

The parrot screeched "BOLLOCKS!"

If you need to Google that - go right ahead and come back.

The eight year old was all over it.

"What is bollocks mummy?"

"What ARE bollocks darling."

"OK - what ARE bollocks?"

"Well, it's just a word we don't use."

"I won't use it - what does it mean?"

As I have mentioned my childhood involved modesty, I am still discovering the real names for some of my own body parts.
So in true parenting style - I have gone the other way. I am determined that all body parts will be accurately named and located by my children before they turn ten.

As I begin my explanation to the eight year old we wander over to the pigpen. There lying on the ground is an enormous boar pig. Perfect. There sticking out between his legs are the perfect explanation.

"Those are bollocks but is a slang word, not a polite word, we don't use it."

"OK mom."

She skips on.
I am filled with pride. I handled that so well.
Then I come around the fence and see the teats.

"What are those mom?"

"Oh bollocks."

My eight year old now knows what the word hermaphrodite means and she also believes that there is a hermaphrodite pig in a zoo in Scotland.


  1. Ha ha ha ha!!! Good on you Joy. You and I share the same parenting does get tricky at times. Funny, my first boyfriend (10 years, oye vey....) was Scottish. HIs Mother was the only Scottish person I ever met that hated my sailor mouth...his Father, on the other hand relished it! Bollocks is such a funny word for Americans and I am proud that my 10 year old knows and uses it appropriately.....time and place, time and place. xo - Karna

  2. Oh my god you CRACK ME UP! Still learning the names of your own body part! HAHAHA!

  3. Maybe that's why I cuss like a sailor! My family is Irish/Scottish :) It's genetics! I can't help it!

    Your kids have all the fun. Mason hasn't seen a hermaphrodite pig! He is currently obsessed with nipples so I think we have the same philosophy on body parts!


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