Monday, March 29, 2010
I have been suffering from Mommy Madness. For me it takes many forms but this particular incarnation involves me wondering where 'me' went.
I have been slowly crawling towards the realization that I have forgotten to be me. A person, a women with interests that are not child related.
For those looking on it may have been very evident in the baby weight I still carry. In the ever present ponytail.
The frequently unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and wrinkled mommy clothes (shapeless, style-less, frumpy.)
I need a haircut, pedicure and eyebrow taming much more often than not.
The main symptom is selflessness. This seems a very noble and worthy trait but that only applies in small dozes.
24 hour selflessness turns out to be soul destroying.
Please don't think I am painting myself as some saintly mother who puts her kids first.
I'm talking about forgetting to put myself first, at least some of the time - sometimes through laziness, sometimes guilt and mostly out of habit.
It's not good.
So, in the only way I know how - I am going 180.
I have been making appointments to get trimmed, coiffed, buffed and polished.
I am breaking open the rainy day fund and shopping at an actual clothes store (as opposed to Target or Ross.)
I am looking after my health with medical and dental appointments.
It feels good.
Yesterday I embraced my old biker chick. Can I still call it that if it involves a push bike?
I was invited on a Mom's ride. I haven't been on my bike for over 3 years.
Several of the riding mom's are athletes. They do triathlons and other sporting events I can't even spell.
Newly optimistic me decides to go.
How hard can it be?
I fell within the first 10 minutes. I fell down a two foot drop off - onto concrete.
After 10 years of pregnancy and/or breast feeding calcium evades me. How I am not in a cast I don't know.
BTW: In Scotland a cast is a 'stookie' how about that for a great word?
I hurt my elbow and knee but my pride took the biggest hit.
As I sat on the ground, tears running down my cheeks and surrounded by the other mom's I wanted to give up.
I like being me - the mom. Maybe I'll just do that and not worry about me - the person.
After a lot of love, support and a rigorous pep talk -I got back on the horse (bike) and completed a very strenuous (for me) ride.
I did feel better. I did have renewed energy to be with my kids. It was great to talk about anything but them for a few hours.
This morning I was reminded that I am over forty. Sports injuries and infants are not an easy mix but with the joy of feeling like a whole person still running through my veins - I managed.
I wonder what I should do next? Skydiving?