I have been suffering from Mommy Madness. For me it takes many forms but this particular incarnation involves me wondering where 'me' went.
I have been slowly crawling towards the realization that I have forgotten to be me. A person, a women with interests that are not child related.
For those looking on it may have been very evident in the baby weight I still carry. In the ever present ponytail.
The frequently unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth and wrinkled mommy clothes (shapeless, style-less, frumpy.)
I need a haircut, pedicure and eyebrow taming much more often than not.
The main symptom is selflessness. This seems a very noble and worthy trait but that only applies in small dozes.
24 hour selflessness turns out to be soul destroying.
Please don't think I am painting myself as some saintly mother who puts her kids first.
I'm talking about forgetting to put myself first, at least some of the time - sometimes through laziness, sometimes guilt and mostly out of habit.
It's not good.
So, in the only way I know how - I am going 180.
I have been making appointments to get trimmed, coiffed, buffed and polished.
I am breaking open the rainy day fund and shopping at an actual clothes store (as opposed to Target or Ross.)
I am looking after my health with medical and dental appointments.
It feels good.
Yesterday I embraced my old biker chick. Can I still call it that if it involves a push bike?
I was invited on a Mom's ride. I haven't been on my bike for over 3 years.
T-H-R-E-E Y-E-A-R-S.
Several of the riding mom's are athletes. They do triathlons and other sporting events I can't even spell.
Newly optimistic me decides to go.
How hard can it be?
I fell within the first 10 minutes. I fell down a two foot drop off - onto concrete.
After 10 years of pregnancy and/or breast feeding calcium evades me. How I am not in a cast I don't know.
BTW: In Scotland a cast is a 'stookie' how about that for a great word?
I hurt my elbow and knee but my pride took the biggest hit.
As I sat on the ground, tears running down my cheeks and surrounded by the other mom's I wanted to give up.
I like being me - the mom. Maybe I'll just do that and not worry about me - the person.
After a lot of love, support and a rigorous pep talk -I got back on the horse (bike) and completed a very strenuous (for me) ride.
I did feel better. I did have renewed energy to be with my kids. It was great to talk about anything but them for a few hours.
This morning I was reminded that I am over forty. Sports injuries and infants are not an easy mix but with the joy of feeling like a whole person still running through my veins - I managed.
I wonder what I should do next? Skydiving?
Joy
ReplyDeleteGreat article, I had a feeling this topic may show up in your blog. I am so happy to hear we have awakened (is that a word) the inner Joy again! I am happy to help/participate in any way-coiffing included!
lisa
I like being me - the mom. Maybe I'll just do that and not worry about me - the person.
ReplyDeleteListen, SITstah, don't give up! Everything's different now. All that's needed is a new strategy for making sure the "you" doesn't disappear. Not the old you, that one's gone. But the "You" who's crying to get out.
Come visit my blog! You'll find some saucy ways to Stay Young from the inside out. You might like the post about Ferrari's I just did.
Having your hair done always makes us feel better :D
PS All that happened is - you fell off the bike. Everything else happened inside your head.
How about a hike with a good buddy? That's about my speed, plus you can gab at the same time. Two for the price of one. Hang in there, buddy!
ReplyDeleteWe always forget to put ourselves first. I often remind myself that I deserve to pamper myself.
ReplyDeleteStopping by from SITS.
We so seldom remember to take "me time". Stopping by from SITS!
ReplyDelete~Angela
i wrote about this, the absence of ME time because of selflessness. you know what i fear most? that when the comes that i have more time, i wont remember how to become ME.
ReplyDeleteshuttling in from SITS :)