I have been keeping my thoughts to myself but I need to release them and this is my place to do that. I have the lyrics to a U2 song stuck in my head "I can't believe the news today - I can't close my eyes and make it go away." I feel a sense of grief that is deep and somewhat disabling.
I am grieving for the families of those who died in Connecticut. I am grieving for the those who were at the school that day and were witness. I am grieving for the first responders who were met with a hell I can't even imagine. I am grieving for the whole community whose lives are irrevocably changed. I am grieving for the family and friends of those affected. I am grieving for the world wide loss of innocence. For the hundreds of childhoods lost in an instant because of witness, connection or knowledge. It is a weight of grief that feels hard to bear and I am merely a bystander.
I feel guilt for feeling so much grief - it feels selfish to feel this way when those personally affected have the real claim on grief. I feel guilty that my girls are here, giggling, happy - unaware.
Every smile given in my direction feels wrong. Everything little thing I do for my children seems like a knife in the side of those who don't have their little ones to care for today. I think about all the parents who have ever lost a child and have their wounds ripped open again and it feel like the entire world must be in mourning. As it should be.
I feel we are lost. I think our path is misguided. I hope for unity and change. I hope for simplicity.
I have read little and tried to focus on what can be done to help. It has always been my way to heal - through practical, positive action. It brings me comfort - I hope it brings comfort to those who need it more.
I have no pay off line. No closure. This is my place to share my thoughts - that's all.