Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Walk The Line.
Parenthood is like walking a tightrope. Slip ups tend to be catastrophic and the path to success is narrow and hard to walk. When I planned this - I planned to have a baby. As I've blogged before I didn't think about the twenty plus years of all consuming commitment that was attached. Emerging from the baby/toddler years finds me wanting more balance in my life. If I am going to be a successful parent for the long haul I need some other things to focus on - at least some of the time. Obviously, I am not alone in this. It's why many parents go back to work, even if their finances don't dictate it. It's why mommies are such an enormous presence in the blogging world. I am not re-inventing the wheel here. I am however doing it the only way I know how - loudly, publicly and with large amounts of fear attached.
Listen To Your Mother is in two days. In just two short days I will stand on a stage and bare my soul. I will make Brene Brown proud and embrace vulnerability. I am nauseas typing this. I'm not shy. I don't mind public speaking. I have been known to enjoy being the center of attention. This? This is way out of my league.
Like many other members of the cast (we have a feverish communication going) I am having nightmares, losing sleep and fretting about my appearance. I have only experienced anything like this once before - my wedding. Just like when I was preparing to get married - I have dreamt about arriving in front of everyone only to realize I am naked. I have shopped frantically for the perfect outfit/shoes/jewelry (only to settle on things already in my wardrobe.) I have feared no-one will show up even although I know tickets have been purchased. I am a mess.
Vulnerability is a bitch. It may turn out to be a liberating bitch but for now it's just a plain old bitch. I am scared. I am regretting my choice to read a sad piece. I like funny. Funny is - well funny. People like funny. But funny is safe. I made a conscious decision to leap from safety. I want to leap back.
I know, deep down in the pits of my stomach, that this experience is good for me. That it is awakening me from being mom 24/7. I know that a healthy parent has other things in their life. I have listened to my cast mates in rehearsal and marveled at their tenacity, skill and courage. I know that shows like this touch peoples lives and encourage them to find their way to their goals, hopes and dreams. I just wish I could do it from my couch, in my jammies.
That's not how it works though. So I will bare my soul publicly and see what it brings. I will just do it feeling like I am going to throw up, mess up or trip up. Keep your fingers crossed for me.