Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Modest Mom.

Did I ever tell you about the time I peed myself at the spa?
Let me restate that - I allegedly peed myself at the spa.

You need a little background.
I was raised in a religious household. Modesty was a big part of that. How big?
Well, I shared a room with my sister for 17 years and watched her give birth to her son at home. I have yet to see her naked.

Then there's the issue of a post-partum body. Stretch marks, a weakened bladder, boobs that are setting out for the South Pole.

The whole thing started when I was asked to be a bridesmaid. Big deal. I was VERY excited.
I decided to get a spray tan so I would be less blue in the pictures standing next to a group of Cali girls.

You should know that the whole spa thing is challenging for me. I keep my underwear on for massages. I wear a swimsuit in the sauna.
I'm just more comfortable that way.

Determined, I called up a local spa offering spray tans and booked up.
I imagined one of those booths where you go in get sprayed and come out. Alone. Private.
I show up for my appointment and the girl shows me to a tiled room. Empty except for a stool.


"Take everything off and just call out when you're ready" the girl says blithely.


I decide not to panic. I am a mature woman who has given birth.
I can handle this.
I strip.
In my head I am chanting over and over.
"No big deal, no big deal."

The girl comes back and we begin. It's not so bad actually - she's very nice.
She doesn't seem to be too appalled at the sight of me in the buff.


"Pop your leg up on the stool and we'll do the inside of your leg."

There will be no popping.

It feels like twenty minutes go by as my brain scrambles trying to think of how to handle this.
Before I know it I have popped my leg on the stool.

WHO AM I? Where is prudish Joy?

I begin to relax. This is really OK.
I CAN do this. It's fine. We're all girls. It's fine.


She stops, her face red she looks at me and says,

"Would you like a tissue for that?'

I look down and there running down my inner thigh is a drip.

Oh dear God.

I am sure it is an over application of spray tan. She is sure it's pee.
There's no graceful exit.
We finish, I get dressed and run out of there cheeks still burning.

Driving home I feel more and more sure it was a spray tan drip and not a bladder malfunction.
I begin to relax. Who cares? I'll never see that girl again.

That evening I have a girls night to go to. We're going for dinner.
I get there early so go up to the bar to get a glass of wine. It's very busy.
As I wait for the bartender to notice me I hear a girl telling a story of her horrible day at work.

"......then she pees down her leg."

Yup, the girl from the spa. Her friends roar with laughter or scream "ewwww."
The drip is Niagara Falls in this version of the story.

Should I have asked for the tip back?


  1. Holy Crap!! I think I just peed reading that.
    Damn weakened bladder...

  2. Yay blogger is fixed! I loved it! I shared it on my blog today!

  3. Soooo funny. I love your writing style and candid voice. And as a mom of five--I understand perfectly.

  4. That is super funny (and mortifying at the same time)! I hope the spa tanning woman didn't see you at the bar. Your blog is awesome - I love it!

  5. Popped over after Christy's rave review. Very funny! I loved the part where you describe your relationship with your sister, yet you've never seen her naked. I'm sure it was a spray tan drip...

  6. Christy sent me!

    Love the part about your sister. I can relate. Nudity is not my favorite. I would shower in a bathing suit if that was normal.

    Just realized that we met at BlogHer last year! I thought this site looked familiar... Are you going to be in San Diego?

  7. Oh my goodness... You DEFINITELY should have asked for the tip back.

    Someday that spray tan girl will give birth, and then she will know.

  8. Listen, as long as it wasn't fecal matter that girl needs to get a drip...I mean grip.

  9. Congratulations to you! Also: did you ever see the Seinfeld in which Elaine has her holiday card picture taken by Kramer and doesn't notice that she's exposing a rosy bit of her anatomy? Her nickname around the office ends up being "nip." So here's to hoping you slay the audience and no one brands you "drip." 'Cause that'd be wrong. But a little bit funny. Yet wrong.

  10. I LOVED meeting you at Peoples Party. You are so sweet and genuine. Loved being able to have the opportunity to chat with you. :)

  11. Oh my. At least you are in good company now. You and Christina Aguilera.


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