This Is The Place.

Over the past few weeks I have been witness to a few 'mom meltdowns.'
Fully justified mom meltdowns, I should add.

The kind where a mom is deeply sleep deprived. The kind where the kids are acting out or sick.
That place we have all been and will get to go to again, all too soon.
Burned out, exhausted, frustrated, depleted.

Not the 'OMG! I asked for a latte and this is a Cappuccino' kind of meltdown that I also see all too often.

Without exception, each of these moms cried - understandable.
Without exception, each of them apologized for crying.
This is not so understandable.

Where did we go wrong in our culture that we feel the need to apologize for crying?
Crying because we are at the end of our rope.
Crying because it is so hard to get through the day we just can't see how we're going to continue.
We seem to be universally embarrassed to cry.

I would like to declare a - This Is The Place Policy.
When you are at mom's group, girl's night out, on the phone with a friend, reading your favorite parenting blog - This Is The Place. This is where you can cry, meltdown and whine with impunity.
NO APOLOGIES necessary.
Scratch that no apologies ALLOWED.

No feeling that you are bringing down the mood.
No thinking you need to put on a front.
No thinking you are the only one who can't cope.

THIS IS THE PLACE.
To reach out.
To get a hug.
To hear supportive words and get advice.
To let it out.

Let's give ourselves and each other permission to be honest, vulnerable and get love and support in return - whenever, wherever we need it. Well maybe not at Weddings or Bat Mitzvahs but everywhere else.
Oooh I feel all warm and fuzzy now.

Killer Seaweed.

A few years back I noticed that I was changing my parenting depending on the setting.
It was something that was very confusing to my daughter and inevitably left me feeling disappointed in myself.

It seemed I felt social pressure (imagined or real) to respond in a certain way instead of just being consistent with our usual responses. Once I was aware of the chaos it caused - I stopped doing it.
Aaah - much better.

Until yesterday.

If you haven't had the toasted seaweed snack from Trader Joe's - run, don't walk, to get some.
The seven year old LOVES it. I put it in her snack pack most days.

She came to me and asked if she could have a whole packet each day. I said no.

"Pleeeeeze - everyone else gets a whole packet."

I stayed firm.
Until yesterday.

We slept in. Just a little - but we were really rushing for the bus.
Rather than open a packet of the beloved seaweed, remove some and place it in a separate container - I tossed the packet in.
As I was doing it - I thought - 'She'll be so happy that I let her be like everyone else."
She was. Then it happened.

It - was the eating of The Silica Packet.
She thought it was a little bag of crystalized sugar that I'd put in as a treat.

You can imagine the scenario at school when the teacher noticed. The Poison Control center was called. There were some moments of panic which the seven year old took as an indication she was going to die.
She cried for 40 minutes.

I felt horrible. Why have I never pointed out silica packets before? How could I not have warned her or removed it?
(FYI - Silica is non-toxic to humans. The reasons it is labelled so dramatically is because of choking hazard regulations.)
Lesson learned. Stick to my methods.

There are just some moments in parenting that you can never be prepared for. Sigh.

Feeling Bullied.

I went to a great lecture this past week.
It was on bullying. It's a huge issue in the news right now.
The stories of bullied teens driven to suicide are truly heartbreaking.

I wanted to know what bullying really means and how it may look for my seven year old.
The speaker was Kim John Payne. If you can get to go hear him talk - go.

I found out that the USA is the only country in the western world that does not have a government mandated bullying management program in it's schools. Wow.

I also found out that one of the major reasons children bully is stress. They bully in an attempt to exert control in their over controlled lives.
Studies conducted in the US, the UK and Australia have found that over-scheduling and too much media are the leading causes of stress from sensory bombardment. Then there are the hours of homework.
Children are feeling pressured and just plain tired.
They don't have free time to just be. Eventually, they feel uncomfortable when they are doing nothing.
It's a stressful pace for their young minds and bodies.

It's confusing - there are so many great after school activities. They want to do them.
If they are asking to do them and all their friends are doing them - then we're not stressing them right?
The exponential rise in bullying rates, ADD, ADHD suggest otherwise.

I don't know about you but I have felt guilty about not having my kids in ballet or music or swimming lessons.
I have felt that I am not giving them a 'well rounded' education.
We are supposed to enrich them with sports and arts - if the amount of classes that are available is anything to go by.
I feel social pressure to have my child be very busy. Social pressure is just another phrase for bullying. Ironic no?

What did you do as a kid?
From when I was seven I went to Brownies once a week.
In my teens I did drama and choir. Three things for my entire childhood.
Lots of five year olds I know do three things a week.

It was all fantastic food for thought.
I love it when I get practical information that makes sense.
I love that I now I have tools to deal with the scary issue of bullying.
I love that allowing my children to sit and draw or dig in the garden at home might be the best thing I can do for them.


If you want to know more - this is a great book:
Simplicity Parenting

Fresh Out.

I am all out of:

- Enthusiasm for making the remaining two of four Halloween costumes for our family.

- Patience for the endless comedy found in pee, poo, peep and wiener talk in our home (or car.)

- The skill to change the use of 'childish' names for body to parts to the actual names of body parts.

- Energy for the marathon weekend of activities ahead.

- Time to get anything, I'd like to get, done.

- Motivation to tidy up the house (for the third time today.)

- Witty, clever blog posts.

- Milk.

Which do you think concerns me most?

Do It Anyway.

I read a great line on someone's blog - sadly I wasn't able to find it again to credit her,
but it went something like this...

"We need people to volunteer - they feel too busy. It's true, we are busy. Do it anyway."

Love that. I decided to make it my new mantra.
As I emerge from the cocoon of having an infant, nursing, nap schedules - it's time.

I may have gone too far. I almost killed myself this past weekend.
I organized a benefit garage sale and volunteered as a waitress at a benefit event.
It was a 14 hour day of lugging, hauling and being on my feet.
I could hardly move the next day. Tricky when you have a two and seven year old to look after.

It was worth it. Why?

My girls sold their own toys with a smile on their faces, knowing they were buying a new smile for a child with a cleft palate.
They felt really good about themselves especially when I told them we had raised enough money to buy two surgeries - two smiles!

I really enjoyed my evening - we created a beautiful event and the guests had a really good time.
I did something that wasn't being a mom for a few hours.

It feels good to do good.
It's a feeling I've missed. When I was a kid we helped others a lot.
We drove people to medical appointments. We performed our school play at the local nursing home.
We delivered food boxes to the elderly.
We did sponsored walks and charity bake sales.

I see less and less of those things going on. I see the occasional bake sales but they are often to fund uniforms or sports equipment. Not unworthy causes at all but they lack the greater community spirit that seems to be fast dissolving in our culture and times.

If we don't teach our children the joy of giving back, the importance of helping others - what will happen when they might need help?
If we don't teach them a love of community what kind of society will they live in?
If they don't see the problems of the world as partly their problems - what kind of leaders will they become?

I spend so much time thinking about my parenting and what kind of values I want to teach my children.
I had forgotten that teaching by example is most probably the best kind of teaching there is.

Fear Factor.

When I was about ten, a little girl was abducted from my hometown. It was not a happy ending.
Obviously, I still remember it - so it made an impact.

What it didn't do was change my life. I was still allowed to play outside with my friends without adults present.
I knew about it but I didn't fear that it would happen to me.
I slept peacefully.

I did not see hundreds of pictures of the little girl, her home, her bedroom.
Her face was not plastered on magazines at the supermarket checkout.
I did not hear about every child abducted in the entire country for the past 50 years.
I did not listen to endless speculation on the radio or TV news.

Every parent has to make their own decision about their child's safety but I do wonder how much we are influenced by
the current culture of media saturation.
Is it a helpful reminder or does it fill us with unfounded fears?

Planes can crash but we do ride on them.
Car accidents can be fatal but we get in our cars daily.
Bacon can lead to a heart attack but we still eat it.

Yet, if we let our kids wander more than 20 feet away from us - we are criticized.

As I try to find the balance of building confident young women who can make positive, strong choices for themselves - how much risk do I take to get there?

If I don't let them wander a little, if I don't let them flex their independence how will they ever learn?

If I expose them to the full horrors of the world will they be able to set them aside or will they live with fear as a constant companion?

I want to make my own decisions based on my experiences. On the realities of where and how we live.
I don't want fear to be disproportionate.
The more I venture down the parenting path - the more Amish inclined I become.

Easy Does It.

Seriously - my parents had it so easy.

School came with lunch - no daily lunch packing for them.

We walked to school - no school bus, carpool or commute.

We played outside with the neighborhood kids every day after school - no constant play date co-ordination.

We wore school uniform - no daily struggle over what to wear, what works with dress code and what is weather appropriate.

Family lived locally - no flights to see Grandma AND free babysitting.

Birthdays parties were always at our homes - they involved playing games and eating cake.
No competition entertainment and goody bags - like bouncy's, magicians and face painting princesses (at $250 an hour.)

We didn't have a computer and TV had only four channels - all of which had a government imposed watershed, so no sex, violence or bad language until after 9pm. No constantly monitoring what the kids are exposed to media wise.

Disneyland was in another country so we didn't even consider we could go there - no weekly pleading for a date with Mickey.

So I know that several of the things I've listed are optional and sit firmly in the privileged camp but let's face it - no daily lunch packs is enough to stir up huge envy.

I think I'll call them now and tell them how lucky they were. That should go well.

10/10/10

There seems to be a little ripple in the blogging world.
Word is that you should post something special today in honor of the unusual date.

I am clean out of special.

I am slam dunk in ordinary.
I get up earlier than I'd like. Make breakfast that will be mostly uneaten by the two year old.
Make second (hobbit) breakfast a short while later for still hungry children.
Tidy up house, only to watch two children methodically undo all tidying as I go.
Participate in some child centered activity.

Put two year old down for nap.
Deal with half an hour of nap resistance.

Find a quiet activity to occupy the seven year old.
Make lunch for the seven year old.

Pack lunch for the two year old.
Get everyone ready to go out once two year old wakes.
Retrieve, now awake, two year old - change diaper.

Head out.
Drive whilst providing in car food service to two year old.

Participate in some child centered activity.

Drive home. Begin making dinner.
Spend half an hour trying to ensure dinner is actually ingested.
Tidy up dinner.

Begin bedtime routine.

Come downstairs sleepy and hungry.
Make dinner for self and husband.

Collapse on couch. Go to bed.

Not very special at all.

Or is it?

Let's review.

Wake to the sounds of my children laughing and playing.
Take their tiny hands in mine and marvel at their soft skin as we go downstairs to get breakfast.
Have fun with food like making raspberry finger tops or smiley face pancakes.

Make some Halloween decorations and discuss our costume options.

Put two year old down for nap and snigger at her inventive stalling techniques.

Spend some quality time with seven year old.

Make lunches and feel the satisfaction of nurturing my children with food.

Head out to some child centered activity like a Pumpkin Patch where I can sneak onto the bouncy in the guise of needing to help the two year old and do somersaults when no-one is looking.

Bring home sleepy, hungry but happy children and sing songs in the car on the way.

Cook dinner and spend half an hour trying to have it be ingested. OK that one just sucks but you can't have everything.

Snuggle with my girls in their cozy beds while I revisit the fabulous books of my childhood with them.
(Currently - Paddington Bear.)

Head downstairs for some quality time with the husband.

Pretty special after all.

Night Light.

The two year old keeps waking in the middle of the night and shouting for me.

When I go to her she states very clearly,

"I don't want the light on."

Fair enough. One problem - the light isn't on.

She has been doing this for a few weeks.
Same story, every night.
I've stopped going to her and she now settles down after a few minutes.

I have to admit to being a bit spooked.
What is the light she sees?
Is there a prowler with a flashlight?
Is it a celestial being?
Fireflies?

Who really knows what goes on in the mind of a two year old?

That's it - I'm sleep deprived and spooked - what more do you want from me?

To Each Their Own.

We chose a Waldorf Inspired school (Steiner for you Europeans) for the seven year old.
I spend a lot of time feeling like I have to defend that choice.

The main sticking point seems to be the media policy.
Our school recommends very limited exposure to media.

I liked that idea. It allows my child to use her imagination.
Once a picture from a film or TV is planted in your brain it is hard to remove.
Show a child from the Western world a clown fish and they will say "Nemo."

It also allows my child her childhood.
I am often told "I watched movies and TV as a kid - it never did me any harm."
If that's true - good for you.
It is not true for me.
I was traumatized by most of the movies I saw - Bambi for one and don't get me started on the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Those images caused me nightmares and fear.

I"m not sure we need to experience fear to that degree when we're little.

I know snuggling up with your kids on movie night is a lovely experience but if the movie scares them - who was it fun for?
The formula for 'kids' movies always seems to involve the death of a parent and a scary character - so that good can triumph over evil.
In my experience kids under eight don't need a moral lesson. A story about a bunny who meets his friends in the woods, has a picnic and plays some games is perfectly entertaining when you are five.

Violent, brutally violent, TV is on or advertised 24/7 nowadays. Once the TV is on the chances of accidental exposure are upped significantly. In my view commercials have no place in a child's mind at all.
We once found the three year old downstairs at four in the morning watching a Jackie Chan movie.
She woke - thinking it was morning, got up and since no-one was around turned the TV on. She didn't know about channel changing so she watched the channel we had left it on.
Since it was 4am and she seemed perfectly happy, don't think I wasn't tempted to get her a bag of popcorn so I could go back to bed.

Don't get my wrong - I don't think there's no place for media.
I have used it as a babysitter so I could get a shower or just simply a break.
We use pre-screen DVD's with simple stories and slow paced editing.
The seven year old has seen our selections many times. It doesn't bother her.
The need for variety is usually parent driven.

In return my child sleeps peacefully, is wonderfully ignorant of scary characters and does not want to wear clothes more appropriate for a teen.
For me it's a trade that is worthwhile.
I have been asked what is wrong with High School Musical - it's right there in the title, there's nothing wrong with it - if you're in High School.
The themes in it are too mature for a seven year olds brain. That doesn't mean she can't understand it - it just means she might understand it in a way that's counter productive.

I want to read classic books to her and let her find her own vision of it. I want her to discover the joy of reading a fabulous book and have it spark a wonderful world in her head. If you've already seen the movie - I believe that opportunity is lost forever.

The fabulous library of movies I want to share with her are all still there - waiting until she's just a little bit older and ready to move out of the cocoon of early childhood.

The defense rests.